Tastes Like a Breath Mint

My friend ERIC who is wiser than that old comedian who went by the name of Professor Irwin Corey and who called himself "the world's foremost authority"--my friend Eric says that Vice President Dick Cheney doesn't blink his eyes "ever".

Studies have shown that people blink their eyes even when they're having orgasms or enlightenment or hemorrhoids so there is only one explanation for what my pal Eric has observed, namely that the VP has an experimental breath mint lodged under his tongue. 

Only artificial flavors and neo-organic textures in the oral cavity offer an explanation for the "un-blink" and I am unprepared to say more about this right now.

I know about the oral cavity and strange lozenges and the un-blink  because as a child my cousin and sister and I used to play a game called "guess the taste" and that involved a blindfold, a volunteer, and a dirty kitchen, all of which we had because my mother used to sleep during the day.

I fear that our nation's Vice President has been subjected to a game of "guess the taste" and no one is stepping forward to help this man. Won't somebody please help him? Even when my cousin had a bolus made from cat food and wild mint leaves and Tabasco under his tongue we eventually took pity on him.

"Spit!" we cried.

Someone please help the Veep.

S.K.

Comments

[bibliochef]

Three things:

1. I loved Irwin Corey. My childhood aim was to perfect an imitation of him. I failed.

2. Blinking is a key skill (hmm, skill?) that political consultants and media consultants tell people to do. Maybe Cheney failed?

3. Breath mints, eh? Hmmm. Have you seen the new dark chocolate covered Altoids? Maybe that's the secret.

[Tyler]

I would venture to say that due to his lack of blinking (generally an involuntary yet controllable bodily function) would classify him as either a robot or one of the undead. Based on his corporate leanings and political actions, I lean towards the undead. But, that may also be my bias speaking...

[Connie]

Honest, I hadn't told Steve that during the SOTUS Cheney actually popped a pill of some kind. At the time I thought "it must be nitroglycerin" but in hindsight I realize it must have been one of the "experimental breath mints" Steve talks about in this post.

Not only did Cheney not blink, but did anyone else notice that there were times he looked like he was actually trying to stare US down right through the camera lense? He'd look right over Bush's shoulder and into the camera with the same scowl he gave Nancy P. and most of the Chamber. I saw arrogance in his body language through Bush's entire speech.

[Jennifer]

I think because Cheney is reptilian, he has that transparent secondary eyelid thing going on for him.

Have you ever noticed that forked tongue that occasionally darts out as well?

[Steve]

Bibliochef: Undoubtedly Cheney would be a better man if his secret palliative was chocolate Altoids, but I fear the thing under his tongue is much worse.

Tyler: I don't think you're being fair to either robots or zombies.

And to you Jennifer: I think you're onto something with your speculation about the reptilian eye and the forked tongue. Thanks for the laugh.

Thanks for your comments folks!

[Georgia Whitney]

Uh, I can believe that Cheney never had an...oh, maybe it's just a bad Botox job. But I like the Reptilian eye idea, too.

Georgia