Why I am a Flip-Flopper

I used to take drugs and now I do not take drugs with the notable exception of Ibuprofen and small amounts of Prozac—so I guess I’ve lasted just long enough to have flip-flopped a flip flop—which is like getting dressed, then getting undressed, and then putting on only your pants. No one would argue that Prozac is as much fun as marijuana.

I used to think that the United States would eventually become Walt Whitman’s America: a place of tolerance, even admiration for all kinds of people. I now believe that America is a vast prison camp without Christian compassion for the mentally ill or the poor. Convince me otherwise and I’ll be glad to flip-flop all over again.

I formerly had a beard but I shaved it off when a long white stripe appeared down one side of the thing so that I grew to resemble a skunk doing yoga. A flip-flop is still a flip-flop. Would it help if I said that "on the inside" I still have a beard?

Years ago I imagined that technology would save us. I was the first person in my circle of graduate students to buy a computer. I remember one guy in particular who prophesied that I had gone to "the dark side" etc. I told him that because the computer could talk it was going to be of great assistance to me. I am typing this with a talking computer. But alas, technology has simply made me infirm at the base of my brain. My limbic node is damaged from having to say things like: "My Java script sub-routine for this Jaws macro is lost in Vista." Once you’re forced to say things like that over the telephone to strangers, well, you’re better off with that old Underwood typewriter with the tricky keys that would sometimes stick. And breathing White Out was a kind of drug experience.

I used to worship major league baseball but now, after the steroid scandals and the phony records I worship my neighbor’s ant farm. There’s nothing false about an ant farm.

I formerly thought Richard Nixon was the worst possible American president. Now I see this was naïve since I didn’t foresee the ascension of Dick Cheney.Strictly speaking this is a flip-flop. No amount of "Bean-o" will change this.

Alright. So what do I remain un-flip-flopped about?

Neil Armstrong: he really did walk on the moon.

Poop on your flip-flops.

S.K.

Comments

[Fred Miller]

For many years, flip-flopping kept me from lapsing into the priesthood. I still revert to Roman Catholicism a few times a year, for only a few moments.

[Georgia Whitney]

I'm amazed you can take Prozac and still write. I couldn't. So I flip-flopped off two antidepressants and since then have done the best writing of my life. Go figger.

Georgia